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May. 18th, 2013

ack

so what do we do now brain?

cause this plan sure as hell isnt taking over the world.

i am ready to scream, cry and throw things. i want to bang my head into my desk, walk away and go back to sleep. wake up next century maybe.

maybe then my shit will be cool and retro and people will actually be looking for it.
i feel like im standing on the highest hill i can find shouting at the top of my voice, and looking around realizing its a mole hill in a tornado and no one can hear me.

even when i work for hours on a FB page for my shit so its easier to spread i barely get likes from my friends. no one shares it with others? does it just suck and no one is telling me? is it embarrasing to share shit from your friends instead of some random party on the internets? I know they are as broke as i am, but does it cost anything to hit "share"? i cant pay for advertising, but i thought id get a little more support from the people that keep telling me in person my shit is sooo cool.

there are people out there doing shit that isnt half as creative or labor intensive that are getting mad reviews because they are trendy, or riding the coattails of a fandom.

I want to go back to making coats and cloaks, but i dOnt have the money to invest in the fabric and my fabric hoarde is out of state. corsets... ditto, the boning is what kills that budget. i need to get more pics when i make shit. that way i could have a portfolio to get commissions with. the other problem is a lot of my good patterns have gotten lost from use... or missing pieces... and now they are out of print. i hate that. especially with the costume ones

i do this cause i love it, cause i have day dreams i want to see made real. but i cant do it if i cant afford food and rent and my storage unit etc. am i wasting my time? i look at my neighbors and i get jealous of the fact that they can live without this need for creativity, because then they can afford cool stuff and comfortable lives. ya know with real food and heathcare?

le sigh.

Feb. 27th, 2012

celtic knot

in living memory of....

myself. why do i feel like i am a memeorial to a me-that-was?
a superhuman me that had all these powers and abilities?

why do i not feel like her anymore?
i feel like a faded afterglow of a magniesium flame.
shes still in here...
i know that. but theres so much crap piling up... i guess im wondering if i will ever get back there.
everyone wants to tell me what to do with my life right now. "go back to school" "do what you dream of" "take care of X Y and Z".

plenty of great suggestions. if i were motivated to do them... and some i need to go regardless. but really? i just want to create right now.i just want to bring daydreams to life.

aand that for the most part is not on the list of suggestions.

Feb. 17th, 2012

blue

i would like to end the use of "war on"

my current personal goal in life (besides keeping a roof over me etc.) is to get as many people as possible to see as many people as possible as human beings.
not faceless nameless crowds and masses. humans, with families, feelings and histories.

so imagine my dismay when everything resembling a conflict becomes dubbed a "War" by the media.
i know they need ratings, and nothing drives ratings like hype. but i think they are making a lot of resolvable situations worse.

every time the words "war on" are added to a situation it becomes polarised. black and white, them and us. and any good general knows that the first essential step to winning is to make "them" less than human. so every new conflict causes dehumanisation within our nation. fracturing us as a people, and making progress harder to achieve.

so, thats why i'm allergic to drama. why i'm against the words "war on" and why the media just makes me fucking tired.

because every day it makes it monumentally harder to reach my goal.
and more important that i never stop trying.

Feb. 3rd, 2012

blue

good lord i havent been here in forever!

so all these commercials for these hip little SUV wannabes have these people wandering across the country catching fireflies and scavenger hunting by gps and what all else...

and im thinking... even if i didnt have betty to look after... i dont have the money to take off randomly across the country... are they doing this on a three day weekend... did i blow this money on craft supplies... medical bills and education? (i thought i had it bad when it was just student loans... and then the medical bills got me... craft supplies and i are as bad as most women and shoes. its an ordeal

(on the other hand most women cant do half the shit i can with a stamp kit)

what am i missing? am i around the wrong people? do i not have the proper income? i know it isnt just not having the car... and hell i dont have magic money to get the car either... i just wonder... what happened to the random roadtrips in my life?

Mar. 13th, 2011

blue

betty quote of the day

betty : look at that, im going to [bed] and its still light out!

me: thats the daylight savings time. so now, in summer its to light out, and in winter its to dark out.... are you happiest then in spring and fall?

betty: nope. i never like it. it never makes me happy. always one way or another.

Me: so..... what you want a lightswitch for the sunshine?!?

betty : ha! yeah, you gonna get me one?

me: ill look in my bag of tricks... but dont hold your breath.

Jun. 3rd, 2010

makona

yoday is a happier day.

i meant to write a few days ago, but i didnt want to write my mopey-ness and share out my mood.

today is better.

im looking into a few job possibilities.

i FINALLY got my medicines from the prescription assistance program. (a $750 value at walmart prices.) THANK YOU NOVO NORDISK!!!

i got my storage unit and my cell phone paid for another month.

i bought sugar free candy.

my cousin had a baby! (one i actually care about)

and i found a website with more Dr. Who episodes than ive ever seen before!!! http://www.dailymotion.com/tardismedia has playlists of the oldest episodes. you have to go to IMDB to see which order to watch them in, but i can handle that.
im now marinating my brain in 1964. the gender roles make me twitch a bit, but they are interesting.

ive been catching up on my reading too. my brain is getting back to itself.

Apr. 14th, 2010

blue

updatiness.

so its about 2 weeks since i was dismissed from the hospital and im still up here at my parents house. there are some things about this that please me, including: having the use of moms kitchen, spending time with mom, being able to help my mom out, she buys most of the groceries, there are some really great programs going on up here to help with medicine/medical bills when you are experiencing financial hardship. (this county likes to think ahead)i have my application in to most of them and this is groovy.

but im also irritated because: im here waiting on this appointment or that thing... not really by choice, im bored, i miss my friends, i miss my stuff, i dont feel like ive made real progress on my life this year- that im just playing catch-up from last year, my phone bill went through the roof, i want to be spreading out my business cards (sewing, mending, alterations) in MY local area... and i cant.

it also doesnt help that every time i make a phone call it seems i need to make three more. yes, my situation is complicated, but i dont deserve a blank stare because it doesnt fit in the paperwork's boxes. and diabetes is an old disease that gives empirical data in research, so why do i feel like im playing "telephone" with every doctor? im serious each doctor that i have talked to has given me different instructions on insulin dosages, and different reasons for them! is this science or not?

luckily the doctor i will (hopefully) be working with most often is the one who made the most sense. she also is very patient with questions.

im having a hard time sticking to the diet i need to because all of this is seriously weighing on my nerves. i feel like im overdue to go home, but my mom needs me here a bit longer. i dont really want to talk to anyone because i dont want to sound all whiny, but although the water has gone down a lot, and im feeling much better, most of my life still sucks right now. my brain is also functioning differently now that its getting what it needs to again, so im trying to evaluate myself for the last year and see what of my "sick" behaviors are really in keeping with "me".

its taking a lot of willpower to face the backlog of stuff, because a lot of my brain is looking at the huge pile and just wants to run away. the childishness of it shames me, but honestly, im terrified that its going to take the rest of my life to reach financial stability and be independent again. that might kill me faster than the diabetes.

Apr. 5th, 2010

he he he

because i can





What type of Fae are you?
makona

well, that was interesting.....

so im out of the hospital.

it took them six days to repair the damage ive been doing to myself.

my blood sugar was ridiculous, i was terribly dehydrated, and my electrolytes were shot.

the ER doc said later that if i had waited even a few more hours to show my happy ass up on their doorstep... the keto-acidosis probably would have killed me.

it would have been nice to know sooner that i had the insulin deficient diabetes... and that the pills my doctor had been giving me were useless. this whole time.

and insulin is frighteningly expensive without insurance. even at wally world. (where you can purchase almost all diabetes supplies without a prescription. even some insulin. i find this odd.)

the up side is i have the ability to control this now, and im starting out this time with my feet solidly on the ground. it still wont be easy to curb all of my carb cravings, but at least im not fighting a rearguard action with little hope of catching up anymore.

however i need to find a way to get into a clinic... fast. and that's usually fairly difficult to do. tomorrow morning there will be phone calls.

i hope i dont fall asleep in the middle of them.

i am so sore.

my arms hurt from the i.v.s and my legs are stiff from the extra fluids.

i have to lie down every so often and put my feet up so the kankles go down, and my vanity is trying to cope with having a muffin top, because my idiot self put on the tight jeans when coming home from the hospitial, and it rearranged the water weight on me.

but, i am very glad to be alive.

Aug. 5th, 2009

blue

i think i fell off the face of the planet.....

and then had to find my way back.
____at least thats what it felt like anyway.
there is entirely too much to recap, many things have changed.
the thing to know is im currently doing better in my head than ive been doing in MONTHS.
i should be around more, and i havent forgotten anyone, there were just people i didnt want to get involved in the catastrophic drama.

love. hugs. ill send out my new address soon.

because yes i moved. again.

peace.

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